#1. Thou shalt not start drinking at 8am unless you really know how to handle your shit.
People who have a champagne breakfast and make it to 3:04pm are the real winners today.
#2. Thou shalt not pick a horse based on anything other than the name.
Wait, you actually did your research? You looked at odds, trainers, and past races? Are you Tom Waterhouse in disguise?
#3. Thou shalt not take a drink every time you hear the phrase “the race that stops a nation”.
Do this only if you want to be ordering a new liver on eBay by 4pm.
#4. Thou shalt not let anyone see you Google what betting terms mean.
What do you mean you can make it go ‘both ways’?
#5. Thou shalt not choose a pair of heels that you won’t make it through the day in, but if you do take them off, thou shalt not let anyone judge you because fuck you, heels are a modern day form of torture and were not made to be worn on grass.
Gentlemen, hold back your judgement until you’ve walked a mile in your lady’s shoes and realised what a goddam champion she is for putting up with it for more than five minutes.
#6. Thou shalt not get white girl wasted around your boss if you’re at a company Melbourne Cup party, unless your boss is the one buying the shots.
FUCK YEAH, HIRE MORE GEN Y GRADUATES! WE PARTY SO HARDY! Who’s pile of vom is that?
#7. Thou shalt not be this guy:
#8. Or this guy:
Because AUSTRALIA. RACE THAT STOPS A NATION. MAKYBE DIVA, MAAAAAN.
#9. Thou shalt not overdo the hashtags when Instagramming.
#MelbourneCup #Racing #Horses #WeWon #SoMuchFun #Giggles #Laughter #BestCrewAround #Races #RaceThatStopsANation #WinningHorseName #Blessed #Lucky #Bubbles #WEGETTHEFUCKINGPOINT
#10. Thou shalt not harp on about your fucking hangover at work the next day.
Your complaining is making MY hangover worse. Now, when does McDonald’s breakfast end again?
Shhh… shhh… go back to sleep under your desk.
Written by Alex, who will definitely not be doing any of the above things. *shifts eyes shiftily*
Featured image via news.com.au.